Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
