ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
