i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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