i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
