from now on my penis is your penis
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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