I think my fart just growled at me.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
