how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
