just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
