I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
