My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
