The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can you bring me the toilet please
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
