Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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