I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
