I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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