new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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