She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
