this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
