I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
