I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
