last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
