I need help removing her.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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