from now on my penis is your penis
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Couch. On fire.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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