She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
