Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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