Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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