My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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