You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
