i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
