i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
