Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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