just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Randomize
