the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
