dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
