I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
