I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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