shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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