I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
