Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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