I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
