fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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