I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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