I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
