remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
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We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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