Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
