There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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