I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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