So drunk its hurt
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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