I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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