Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
