I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
