I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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