So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
