butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
