I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
