just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
