I cockslap morals
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
