if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
