he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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